It all started for me 20 years ago around the age of 4 years old. I would get sick and run to the bathroom without warning and then I'd go back and start playing like nothing had even happened. My mom begin taking me to doctors of all kinds...Gastrointerologists, kid specialists and even mental doctors but no answer could be found. I had every kind of test one could think of to diagnosis stomach issues...Endoscopys, cat scans, MRI, ultrasounds, gastric emptying studies and many many more. I was even put in two different mental hospitals because my mom was listening to the doctors who all thought it was in my head but I knew that it wasn't but yet no one believed me.
A little over a year ago I was watching a show called The Doctors on tv and heard about something called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome that I had never heard of before. Chandra Wilsons daughter from the tv show Greys Anatomy had it and it took her forever to figure it out like it did for me. I had never heard of anything so close to what I was going through so I was shocked that it was an actual condition and I was also relieved to know that it really wasn't in my head. I knew what I had and I had waited 20 years to know. I took the information to my doctor who then sent me to a gastrointerologist who finally gave me the official diagnosis of Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I was so relieved to have a diagnosis but so sad and disappointed to know that there is no cure for it and that they don't know much about it yet. It basically can only be treated with meds and you and the doctors have to try things out to see what works best for you but it can't be completely cured which has had me down in the dumps a lot but knowing what I have has helped me SO much the last year because I can tell people what it is now and it's not in my head, I KNOW that now.
http://www.thedoctorstv.com/videolib/init/3705
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/greys-anatomy-chandra-wilsons-real-life-medical-mystery/story?id=13328839#.T42t16tAZf5
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
More Hospital Tests
Well a lot has been going on lately which is why I haven't really written much. I'm having some tests this week at the hospital and I'm so nervous about it all for some odd reason. Thursday I am having a Hida Scan and Ultrasound done at 1:45pm at Clark Memorial to check my gallbladder again. And then Friday I am having an Endoscopy done at 9am and biopsies taken to check the lining of my stomach and things. I am SO scared about being put to sleep and worried that I will feel something during it and I am freaking out but trying not to show it to my mom or the girls from church. I almost want to chicken out and not do it but I know it does need to be done.
And something that has been bothering me is when people say "you don't know how much I have to do, it's a lot" or "Mine is worse then yours" or "I'll trade ya." It's like how can someone say that their issues are worse then mine if they don't even know what I have to go through daily, I don't say that my issues are worse than anyone else's because the truth is I don't know what others are going through so how can I say that mine is worse. I hate when someone thinks that what I go through isn't bad and that theirs is worse because they just don't know that it is or isn't. I mean I dare someone to walk in my shoes for one week and see if they can do it because mine isn't easy either, just like what they may be going through isn't easy either. We all have our own struggles and it's not a competition on who's is worse or better, we just need to support each other and not have a dang competition with each other.
Ok, vent over for the night I guess. So worried about the tests and surgery Friday, ugh need to chill somehow.
And something that has been bothering me is when people say "you don't know how much I have to do, it's a lot" or "Mine is worse then yours" or "I'll trade ya." It's like how can someone say that their issues are worse then mine if they don't even know what I have to go through daily, I don't say that my issues are worse than anyone else's because the truth is I don't know what others are going through so how can I say that mine is worse. I hate when someone thinks that what I go through isn't bad and that theirs is worse because they just don't know that it is or isn't. I mean I dare someone to walk in my shoes for one week and see if they can do it because mine isn't easy either, just like what they may be going through isn't easy either. We all have our own struggles and it's not a competition on who's is worse or better, we just need to support each other and not have a dang competition with each other.
Ok, vent over for the night I guess. So worried about the tests and surgery Friday, ugh need to chill somehow.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Dealing With Emotions
It has been a long last month or so. First it was another CVS episode, then a really bad cold of some kind, then dizziness and passing out episodes at work and now it's emotional stuff along with not feeling the greatest.
It's almost my 24th birthday and I'm really frustrated and upset because I am only almost 24 and having to deal with so many medical issues. I go to work everyday and see girls my age going to work and school and some have babies as well and here I am hardly handling a part time job right now. I get, I guess one could say, jealous of them and it upsets me because I want to be that normal 24 year old doing what the girls I work with do but how am I supposed to go to school when I can barely handle work as it is. How do I look at a baby and not wonder if I will ever have that in my life, how do I not get upset about it. How do I act positive when I am puking my guts out from the CVS.
I feel like no one gets it and some people judge me for things I do and/or say. People tell me that I can do things when they don't understand that I physically can't do it and wonder why I'm upset about things. I feel like a no good failure a lot of the time because of my medical issues. Sometimes I wonder why not just give up and be free of the pain. But other times I feel like I can do this even if I do it alone. I just feel so sad right now, so tired of dealing with medical issues and wish I could just make it all go away but I can't, all of the issues will always be there because there's no cure for the things I have. I just must learn to deal with it somehow, someway. It's just so hard all the time......Happy Birthday to me....Saturday.
It's almost my 24th birthday and I'm really frustrated and upset because I am only almost 24 and having to deal with so many medical issues. I go to work everyday and see girls my age going to work and school and some have babies as well and here I am hardly handling a part time job right now. I get, I guess one could say, jealous of them and it upsets me because I want to be that normal 24 year old doing what the girls I work with do but how am I supposed to go to school when I can barely handle work as it is. How do I look at a baby and not wonder if I will ever have that in my life, how do I not get upset about it. How do I act positive when I am puking my guts out from the CVS.
I feel like no one gets it and some people judge me for things I do and/or say. People tell me that I can do things when they don't understand that I physically can't do it and wonder why I'm upset about things. I feel like a no good failure a lot of the time because of my medical issues. Sometimes I wonder why not just give up and be free of the pain. But other times I feel like I can do this even if I do it alone. I just feel so sad right now, so tired of dealing with medical issues and wish I could just make it all go away but I can't, all of the issues will always be there because there's no cure for the things I have. I just must learn to deal with it somehow, someway. It's just so hard all the time......Happy Birthday to me....Saturday.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Those Who Care For Us...
Over the last two weeks as my Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome caused another bad week and then a bad cold has had me feeling horrible for a second week, I have thought about and talked with people about my medical issues and what they cause. I don't really like to talk about them to others because I always feel like no one understands or they judge me so I prefer to write/type about them to get things out. I have issues where people want to know what I have but it's hard to explain to someone that doesn't know what those things are. I mean, what I go through because of each illness is hard to explain....
Just the other day a friend of mine was talking about how she saw a tv show and some research they did about how much sleep to get. She was saying that everyone should get 6.5-7.5 hours of sleep a night. Well, for someone who's healthy that may be fine but for me it's not and trying to explain that to her was not easy. I feel like she does understand some but she can't fully understand because she doesn't have the medical issues I do, nor does anyone else and for me to explain that I have to sleep more then some people was hard. I have to sleep at least 8 hours a night or I'm too tired to function....the PCOS and CVS both cause me a LOT of fatigue and the CVS will flare up if I don't get enough sleep so I sleep til I feel I've had enough so I don't have a flare up. It's not like I'm lazy or what not, it's that I am extremely tired most of the time so 8 hours of sleep is my minimum amount nightly to be able to function.
It's just that some people really care and try to help which is ok and some push me, get me upset and don't fully understand why I only work part time or why I need so much sleep or why I'm not as energetic as a normal 23 year old should be. Sometimes my own mom doesn't understand that I have to sleep so much, she doesn't understand when I come home and don't feel up to helping her do stuff around the house, she doesn't understand what my body feels with 6 medical issues after a 9 hour work day. I hear people at work saying all the time how they work two jobs and sometimes go to school as well and I get upset because I wish I was able to do the same things and handle it but my body just won't allow it.
I just wish people, whether they understand or not, would not look at me like I'm lazy because I can't work 2 jobs or full time, or because I don't go to school, or sleep too much. I wish they would just love me for me, medical issues and all and not judge me or get me upset. I am proud of myself though for handling this job for 6 months now and for fighting all 6 of my medical issues every step of the way...I wouldn't be able to do it without God, my mom and my best friend/big sis who believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself.
Just the other day a friend of mine was talking about how she saw a tv show and some research they did about how much sleep to get. She was saying that everyone should get 6.5-7.5 hours of sleep a night. Well, for someone who's healthy that may be fine but for me it's not and trying to explain that to her was not easy. I feel like she does understand some but she can't fully understand because she doesn't have the medical issues I do, nor does anyone else and for me to explain that I have to sleep more then some people was hard. I have to sleep at least 8 hours a night or I'm too tired to function....the PCOS and CVS both cause me a LOT of fatigue and the CVS will flare up if I don't get enough sleep so I sleep til I feel I've had enough so I don't have a flare up. It's not like I'm lazy or what not, it's that I am extremely tired most of the time so 8 hours of sleep is my minimum amount nightly to be able to function.
It's just that some people really care and try to help which is ok and some push me, get me upset and don't fully understand why I only work part time or why I need so much sleep or why I'm not as energetic as a normal 23 year old should be. Sometimes my own mom doesn't understand that I have to sleep so much, she doesn't understand when I come home and don't feel up to helping her do stuff around the house, she doesn't understand what my body feels with 6 medical issues after a 9 hour work day. I hear people at work saying all the time how they work two jobs and sometimes go to school as well and I get upset because I wish I was able to do the same things and handle it but my body just won't allow it.
I just wish people, whether they understand or not, would not look at me like I'm lazy because I can't work 2 jobs or full time, or because I don't go to school, or sleep too much. I wish they would just love me for me, medical issues and all and not judge me or get me upset. I am proud of myself though for handling this job for 6 months now and for fighting all 6 of my medical issues every step of the way...I wouldn't be able to do it without God, my mom and my best friend/big sis who believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Talks With Others Who Have Medical Issues.....
There are times in which I feel so alone with all of my medical issues, times I think that no one understands what I go through, times I think why me, times I feel so bad that I cry myself to sleep in my bedroom so my mom can't hear me. But the last few days, I don't feel as alone.....
I've been working at Walmart as a cashier for a little over 4 months now and I have been fighting to keep the job with everything in me. I've heard several employees say they work two jobs and ask why I don't because I'm young and I can handle it. Little do most of them know the many health struggles I face daily at only 23 years old. I've told a few cashiers that I've gotten to know pretty well but over the last two days when we've been super slow after the Christmas rush, I have been able to chat more with two of the girls I work with who are also cashiers but whom I haven't had the chance to speak too before. One of the girls I talked to yesterday told me about all her medical issues and she has a lot like me, one of them being blood clots. She said it scares her and she still gets twinges in her legs from it.
Another girl that I talked too tonight, while sitting outside on my break, told me that she was crying at every little thing tonight, that customers were saying things and she'd start crying, that the bosses were getting her upset and that maybe she started this job too soon. I told her that I lost my 1st horse 4 years ago today and was crying about everything as well. She told me about her story....she was in a bad car wreck when she was pregnant and had her two other kids in the back seat. The two kids in the back seat didn't have a scratch but she ended up having numerous broken bones, internal injuries, bleeding issues and lost the baby she was carrying. She ended up having blood clots and was on blood thinners for some time. I told her my story and we both cried and then hugged. It hit us both hard. I don't feel as alone now.
A girl online on the CVS facebook page has also reached out to me the last few days and it feels so good to talk to someone who has it like me. Feels like I am really not alone in it now. I don't know anybody in person who has it and when I say I have it people look at me like I am nuts or something because they have never heard of it. It just feels good to be able to talk to someone who knows what CVS is and can really relate to it and knows how I feel and doesn't just act like they know how I feel.
Anyways, just wanted to share this as I've felt so alone for some time.
I've been working at Walmart as a cashier for a little over 4 months now and I have been fighting to keep the job with everything in me. I've heard several employees say they work two jobs and ask why I don't because I'm young and I can handle it. Little do most of them know the many health struggles I face daily at only 23 years old. I've told a few cashiers that I've gotten to know pretty well but over the last two days when we've been super slow after the Christmas rush, I have been able to chat more with two of the girls I work with who are also cashiers but whom I haven't had the chance to speak too before. One of the girls I talked to yesterday told me about all her medical issues and she has a lot like me, one of them being blood clots. She said it scares her and she still gets twinges in her legs from it.
Another girl that I talked too tonight, while sitting outside on my break, told me that she was crying at every little thing tonight, that customers were saying things and she'd start crying, that the bosses were getting her upset and that maybe she started this job too soon. I told her that I lost my 1st horse 4 years ago today and was crying about everything as well. She told me about her story....she was in a bad car wreck when she was pregnant and had her two other kids in the back seat. The two kids in the back seat didn't have a scratch but she ended up having numerous broken bones, internal injuries, bleeding issues and lost the baby she was carrying. She ended up having blood clots and was on blood thinners for some time. I told her my story and we both cried and then hugged. It hit us both hard. I don't feel as alone now.
A girl online on the CVS facebook page has also reached out to me the last few days and it feels so good to talk to someone who has it like me. Feels like I am really not alone in it now. I don't know anybody in person who has it and when I say I have it people look at me like I am nuts or something because they have never heard of it. It just feels good to be able to talk to someone who knows what CVS is and can really relate to it and knows how I feel and doesn't just act like they know how I feel.
Anyways, just wanted to share this as I've felt so alone for some time.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Holiday Spirit....Eh Not So Much
The Holidays just aren't my thing the last few years, it's not that I'm a grinch so to speak but I just have no one and don't enjoy the holidays. I've never had many friends or a boyfriend to call mine during this time of the year so the holidays have never really been a time that I like because being alone, well it just sucks. I sometimes just want that special someone to cuddle with when I feel down and to tell me it will all be ok and make me believe that is true. I want to feel protected as I go through all my medical issues, to feel loved and wanted and lately I don't feel any of that.
My own brother doesn't speak to us since he moved out with his new girlfriend and it was all over a dang cell phone bill. He won't let my mom and I see my nephew either which is upsetting. And now my own dad has disowned me as of a month ago and I haven't heard a word from him whether by text, phone or stopping by. That hurts because he is my father and it's Christmas but I guess I'm just not a good daughter. He did me so wrong but people keep telling me to apologize, for what, I did nothing wrong he did. In one way I miss him so bad but in another way I want to call him up and curse him out for what he did to me and tell him how bad of a father he has been through all of my medical issues. I mean, yes he has been there for me with other things but never with my medical issues, it's like he is scared of them or something, I don't understand it but hate him for not being there.
The point of this is that the holidays for me are very lonely, very sad and I just can't wait until it's over. Being lonely and sick is enough but add in the holiday season and well, I just want it done with. Sometimes I feel invisible and like I am not wanted, like if I died no one would care even though I know my best friend and my mom would care. It's hard being lonely with no one to talk to about anything, to never have anyone to go hang out with or call.
I did go out with two girls from work tonight which I am SO thankful for. it felt good and like I was wanted somewhere for once. They have no idea how thankful I am that they invited me to tag along. Anyways, that's that for tonight just had to get my "grinchness" out some. I hope everyone has a great Holiday season even if I don't.
My own brother doesn't speak to us since he moved out with his new girlfriend and it was all over a dang cell phone bill. He won't let my mom and I see my nephew either which is upsetting. And now my own dad has disowned me as of a month ago and I haven't heard a word from him whether by text, phone or stopping by. That hurts because he is my father and it's Christmas but I guess I'm just not a good daughter. He did me so wrong but people keep telling me to apologize, for what, I did nothing wrong he did. In one way I miss him so bad but in another way I want to call him up and curse him out for what he did to me and tell him how bad of a father he has been through all of my medical issues. I mean, yes he has been there for me with other things but never with my medical issues, it's like he is scared of them or something, I don't understand it but hate him for not being there.
The point of this is that the holidays for me are very lonely, very sad and I just can't wait until it's over. Being lonely and sick is enough but add in the holiday season and well, I just want it done with. Sometimes I feel invisible and like I am not wanted, like if I died no one would care even though I know my best friend and my mom would care. It's hard being lonely with no one to talk to about anything, to never have anyone to go hang out with or call.
I did go out with two girls from work tonight which I am SO thankful for. it felt good and like I was wanted somewhere for once. They have no idea how thankful I am that they invited me to tag along. Anyways, that's that for tonight just had to get my "grinchness" out some. I hope everyone has a great Holiday season even if I don't.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Entering The Waters Of Baptism
Well, some of you may not know me very well or much at all but I have been afraid of water my whole life despite having a house on Rough River in Leitchfield, Ky for half of my life. I don't mean just a little afraid, I am terrified of going under water, I hate to have my head under the water in any way whether being dunked or doing it myself. A couple of months ago I took the plunge and allowed Mormon Missionaries into our house to teach me about their church and about God as I have never really went to church or been a certain religion. I ended up really liking the missionairy girls and they began coming over to our house more and teaching me things about the church and about God and Jesus. I've really learned a lot from them.
Anyways, I was baptised today for the first time and I was a bit nervous because of the whole water thing but once I did it I relaxed and it wasn't really so bad. It wasn't like being held under the water like your sibling would do to you or anything, it was more a quick up and then down thing. I had to wear a super ugly jump suit thing that was white so I had to wear a white bra and white underwear, it was really uncomfortable but I didn't have to wear it long at all which I was thankful for. After I was baptized I got redressed and then went to the chapel for some hyms and talks by the church members. It wasn't so bad. Then we had small snacks and that was that. It felt good to be baptised, like I am a part of something now. I've enclosed some pictures for everyone.
I do feel a little upset though because Sister Mikami is leaving now and I finally had what I call a friend, I never have friends for long. She said she'd write so I'm hoping she does because I always seem to lose friends somehow. Being sick and alone is a lonely life that's for sure and I get upset sometimes. She's going to Corbin, Ky for awhile.
Well, that has been my life changing day!
Anyways, I was baptised today for the first time and I was a bit nervous because of the whole water thing but once I did it I relaxed and it wasn't really so bad. It wasn't like being held under the water like your sibling would do to you or anything, it was more a quick up and then down thing. I had to wear a super ugly jump suit thing that was white so I had to wear a white bra and white underwear, it was really uncomfortable but I didn't have to wear it long at all which I was thankful for. After I was baptized I got redressed and then went to the chapel for some hyms and talks by the church members. It wasn't so bad. Then we had small snacks and that was that. It felt good to be baptised, like I am a part of something now. I've enclosed some pictures for everyone.
I do feel a little upset though because Sister Mikami is leaving now and I finally had what I call a friend, I never have friends for long. She said she'd write so I'm hoping she does because I always seem to lose friends somehow. Being sick and alone is a lonely life that's for sure and I get upset sometimes. She's going to Corbin, Ky for awhile.
Well, that has been my life changing day!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Lots To Update
Well, it has been a rather long time since I have posted anything and I feel bad about it. I haven't had internet at home for some time because our last computer got a virus and we couldn't use it. I have now just bought my own laptop and have internet hooked up at home so I will try to blog every week from now on. I do have a lot to update.
First off, shortly after my last entry I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was put on meds (birth control called Sprintec) to control the symptoms which is helping with some of the symptoms besides the hair loss. I now have regular periods, have lost weight and my stomach feels better. I was also diagnosed with CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) shortly after that. I actually heard about CVS from the tv show called The Doctors and I was like "omg, that's what I have." It was scary but also felt good because I had an answer and it wasn't in my head like so many doctors had told my parents over the years.
I am regulary seeing a Gastrointerologist (stomach doc), Gynocologist, lung doc, heart doc and hematologist. I am also in the process of filing for disability which has taken almost a year so far but in the mean time I have a job as a cashier working at Wal-mart and have been there almost 4 months now which is good for me. I was also diagnosed with more clots a couple months ago and I'm on meds for that and taking things one day at a time right now. Work is sometimes hard for me to handle depending on how I feel but I am so very proud of myself for giving it a try and overcoming my shyness and pushing myself even through the days I hurt so bad I wanna cry. And thanks to my best friend, Jill, I have pushed myself harder than I normally would.
As to other things that have been happening. My dad let me barrow his station wagon car to drive to work and back and he said I could buy it from him for $700, then a week later he changed his mind and came and got the car and left me hanging as far as a ride to work. I have been driving moms car to work for almost a month and as of November 11th I haven't heard from my dad at all, no texts or phone calls or anything. it hurts so bad because he is my dad and is supposed to be there for me but he wasn't there for me in the hospitals each time either. It's like I am a bad daughter because I'm sick and not worthy. Mom and I haven't heard from my brother either since he moved out. He got mad over paying his part of the cell phone bill and mom turned his phone off. So needless to say we haven't talked to either of them. It hurts but then again life is easier for me to handle without being blammed for being sick and without the constant drama.
I have also started going to church. Two church missonaries showed up one day when I was outside playing with my horse and I was feeling really down and I'm thinking it was a sign from God that he was wanting to help me with my medical issues and just life. I have gone to church 3 times so far and really love it and I am preparing to be baptized soon. It's a big change in my life but a welcomed change.
That's about all that's happening right now anyways. I see the heart doc again soon and hoping for good news there. And just praying things stay ok health wise for me.
First off, shortly after my last entry I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was put on meds (birth control called Sprintec) to control the symptoms which is helping with some of the symptoms besides the hair loss. I now have regular periods, have lost weight and my stomach feels better. I was also diagnosed with CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) shortly after that. I actually heard about CVS from the tv show called The Doctors and I was like "omg, that's what I have." It was scary but also felt good because I had an answer and it wasn't in my head like so many doctors had told my parents over the years.
I am regulary seeing a Gastrointerologist (stomach doc), Gynocologist, lung doc, heart doc and hematologist. I am also in the process of filing for disability which has taken almost a year so far but in the mean time I have a job as a cashier working at Wal-mart and have been there almost 4 months now which is good for me. I was also diagnosed with more clots a couple months ago and I'm on meds for that and taking things one day at a time right now. Work is sometimes hard for me to handle depending on how I feel but I am so very proud of myself for giving it a try and overcoming my shyness and pushing myself even through the days I hurt so bad I wanna cry. And thanks to my best friend, Jill, I have pushed myself harder than I normally would.
As to other things that have been happening. My dad let me barrow his station wagon car to drive to work and back and he said I could buy it from him for $700, then a week later he changed his mind and came and got the car and left me hanging as far as a ride to work. I have been driving moms car to work for almost a month and as of November 11th I haven't heard from my dad at all, no texts or phone calls or anything. it hurts so bad because he is my dad and is supposed to be there for me but he wasn't there for me in the hospitals each time either. It's like I am a bad daughter because I'm sick and not worthy. Mom and I haven't heard from my brother either since he moved out. He got mad over paying his part of the cell phone bill and mom turned his phone off. So needless to say we haven't talked to either of them. It hurts but then again life is easier for me to handle without being blammed for being sick and without the constant drama.
I have also started going to church. Two church missonaries showed up one day when I was outside playing with my horse and I was feeling really down and I'm thinking it was a sign from God that he was wanting to help me with my medical issues and just life. I have gone to church 3 times so far and really love it and I am preparing to be baptized soon. It's a big change in my life but a welcomed change.
That's about all that's happening right now anyways. I see the heart doc again soon and hoping for good news there. And just praying things stay ok health wise for me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Hard Times
Well, I'm still around here although I haven't written in awhile. I'm not gonna lie and act like I never feel down and upset because I do and now is one of those times where I'm having a very hard time pushing forward to get myself through things that are going on in my life. It's like this huge force and black cloud is hanging over me and I just can't seem to get out from under it for anything. It's crushing me and all hope that I once had and I'm struggling right now bad.
I ended up back in the hospital again on January 2nd (sunday) and got out on Tuesday. My stomach issues kicked into high gear again and I do mean high gear. I started vomiting Friday and by that Saturday night I was vomiting up blood, only a little at first and then quite a bit by Sunday afternoon. I was throwing up every 30 minutes or less...it was so beyond gross. The ER doctor gave me Morphine and phenegran and even that hardly worked. I also had a CT Scan done and that was clear besides the clot that is still there but finally shrinking.
They admitted me to the hospital and I was literally freaking out. I slept maybe 2 hours the first night and ended up ripping out my IV during the short sleep I had. I don't know how I managed that but I woke up to pain in my arm and the IV barely hanging by a thread, talk about ouch. I was thanking God for two of my friends because one of them was kind enough to allow me to call her Monday afternoon for a short chat and allowed me to text her whenever I needed to. She was there for me every step of the way and she kept me sane during my hospital stay and I feel like I owe her a lot. And my other friend was texting me and trying to make me laugh and although what I was going through was in no way a laughing matter...it did help some to keep me from crying.
At one point the pulse ox went down to like 92 and I freaked out a bit, ok a lot and I felt as if I couldn't breathe when I layed flat on my back. I had to sleep almost sitting straight up and needless to say I didn't sleep much...maybe an hour the second night. And none of this was helped by the cold I have....ugh. All the blood tests and ultrasound came back normal but when I was released my hospital doctor said she thinks I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and for me to see a gynocologist which I was already planning to do as advised by my regular doctor. So now I have an appoinment on the 14th of this month, was originally the 21st but my doctor called me back this morning and said she wants me in as soon as possible which is fine by me.
Tonight I just feel really down and I mean really down. It's like that Rascal Flatts song called Stand "you feel like a candle in a hurricane, just like a picture with a broken frame, alone and helpless like you've lost your fight but you'll be alright." I always question if I'll be alright and tonight I'm really questioning that even more then I ever have. I really thought that this last trip to the hospital was my last, I was so scared I was dying and that would be it for me, I thought I was a gonner this time I was in that much pain and that weak. I was in the hospital from Sunday around 5pm to Tuesday around 4pm and it took 4 IV bags from Sunday night to Monday night to get me hydrated again before they would take me off the IV. Morphine hardly did anything this time around and I'm so scared that next time the stomach pains hit I won't be so lucky to survive it again. I mean 18 years of dealing with this is enough and it's only getting worse. Whatever I have wrong with me may end up killing me before it's figured out and I'm not sure what to do anymore. If this isn't PCOS then where do I go from there? What do I do? Will it kill me? Will it ever get better?
I sometimes get so mad and frustrated and upset like tonight I can't stop crying and thinking "why me" and "will this ever end." I'm just having a HUGE breakdown here tonight and wondering if it's really PCOS and if not what is it and when will it be figured out. My body is exhausted and getting really tired of fighting whatever these stomach issues are. I'm exhausted and I don't have much left in me at this point. Just not sure what else to do but also don't wanna come on here acting as if everything is OK when it's far from ok for me right now. I'm gonna say lots of prayers and pray my body doesn't fail me once again.....
I ended up back in the hospital again on January 2nd (sunday) and got out on Tuesday. My stomach issues kicked into high gear again and I do mean high gear. I started vomiting Friday and by that Saturday night I was vomiting up blood, only a little at first and then quite a bit by Sunday afternoon. I was throwing up every 30 minutes or less...it was so beyond gross. The ER doctor gave me Morphine and phenegran and even that hardly worked. I also had a CT Scan done and that was clear besides the clot that is still there but finally shrinking.
They admitted me to the hospital and I was literally freaking out. I slept maybe 2 hours the first night and ended up ripping out my IV during the short sleep I had. I don't know how I managed that but I woke up to pain in my arm and the IV barely hanging by a thread, talk about ouch. I was thanking God for two of my friends because one of them was kind enough to allow me to call her Monday afternoon for a short chat and allowed me to text her whenever I needed to. She was there for me every step of the way and she kept me sane during my hospital stay and I feel like I owe her a lot. And my other friend was texting me and trying to make me laugh and although what I was going through was in no way a laughing matter...it did help some to keep me from crying.
At one point the pulse ox went down to like 92 and I freaked out a bit, ok a lot and I felt as if I couldn't breathe when I layed flat on my back. I had to sleep almost sitting straight up and needless to say I didn't sleep much...maybe an hour the second night. And none of this was helped by the cold I have....ugh. All the blood tests and ultrasound came back normal but when I was released my hospital doctor said she thinks I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and for me to see a gynocologist which I was already planning to do as advised by my regular doctor. So now I have an appoinment on the 14th of this month, was originally the 21st but my doctor called me back this morning and said she wants me in as soon as possible which is fine by me.
Tonight I just feel really down and I mean really down. It's like that Rascal Flatts song called Stand "you feel like a candle in a hurricane, just like a picture with a broken frame, alone and helpless like you've lost your fight but you'll be alright." I always question if I'll be alright and tonight I'm really questioning that even more then I ever have. I really thought that this last trip to the hospital was my last, I was so scared I was dying and that would be it for me, I thought I was a gonner this time I was in that much pain and that weak. I was in the hospital from Sunday around 5pm to Tuesday around 4pm and it took 4 IV bags from Sunday night to Monday night to get me hydrated again before they would take me off the IV. Morphine hardly did anything this time around and I'm so scared that next time the stomach pains hit I won't be so lucky to survive it again. I mean 18 years of dealing with this is enough and it's only getting worse. Whatever I have wrong with me may end up killing me before it's figured out and I'm not sure what to do anymore. If this isn't PCOS then where do I go from there? What do I do? Will it kill me? Will it ever get better?
I sometimes get so mad and frustrated and upset like tonight I can't stop crying and thinking "why me" and "will this ever end." I'm just having a HUGE breakdown here tonight and wondering if it's really PCOS and if not what is it and when will it be figured out. My body is exhausted and getting really tired of fighting whatever these stomach issues are. I'm exhausted and I don't have much left in me at this point. Just not sure what else to do but also don't wanna come on here acting as if everything is OK when it's far from ok for me right now. I'm gonna say lots of prayers and pray my body doesn't fail me once again.....
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I'm Still Around.....Promise!
Just wanted to hop on here and say that I'm still around! Our laptop got a virus and I was without internet for almost 2 weeks but I'm back and I'll try to keep up here again.
I wanted this blog to be about the positives of my illnesses but I'm also like every other person out there and I have my downs sometimes so I'm gonna write about what happened Tuesday night. I had been feeling horrible from yet another cold and it was aggravating my lungs so I was feeling kinda down. Well my mom got home and didn't help things by starting an arguement with me about something I won't mention here. I'm sure everyone knows that parents and children have their disagreements and well I like to argue my point which may or may not be a good thing at times.
I pretty much had a major meltdown or whatever you'd like to call it. Normally I'm fine after one of our arguements and I just go cool off for awhile but Tuesday I was already in a not so great mood and the arguement added to it equaled major meltdown again. I locked myself in my bedroom the rest of the night and snuggled in bed with all 3 of our cats and pretty much cried my eyes out all night until I literally cried myself to sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning right before the sun came up. It's just that around this time three years ago I lost my 1st horse and then last year on Christmas Eve I lost my great aunt and had to make the 1200 mile drive to Missouri and back with my dad only a month after getting out of the hospital and we barely made it there before she passed away. Plus all my medical issues and the ongoing colds I keep seeming to catch as soon as I get over the previous one and it all bothering my lungs, and feeling useless all the time....it just all got to me Tuesday night big time.
My point is that I'm just like every other person out there and I do have my meltdowns like anyone else and lately there seems to be a lot of them happening. Don't try to act like there's nothing wrong like I usually do, if you have to cry and have a meltdown then do so. Trust me, it does help to get all the crying out until the next time that is but let it out, don't hold it in. Been there, done the holding it in thing and it just makes the horrible feelings even worse.
Have a great day and remember it really IS ok to let it out sometimes, after all we're all human!
I wanted this blog to be about the positives of my illnesses but I'm also like every other person out there and I have my downs sometimes so I'm gonna write about what happened Tuesday night. I had been feeling horrible from yet another cold and it was aggravating my lungs so I was feeling kinda down. Well my mom got home and didn't help things by starting an arguement with me about something I won't mention here. I'm sure everyone knows that parents and children have their disagreements and well I like to argue my point which may or may not be a good thing at times.
I pretty much had a major meltdown or whatever you'd like to call it. Normally I'm fine after one of our arguements and I just go cool off for awhile but Tuesday I was already in a not so great mood and the arguement added to it equaled major meltdown again. I locked myself in my bedroom the rest of the night and snuggled in bed with all 3 of our cats and pretty much cried my eyes out all night until I literally cried myself to sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning right before the sun came up. It's just that around this time three years ago I lost my 1st horse and then last year on Christmas Eve I lost my great aunt and had to make the 1200 mile drive to Missouri and back with my dad only a month after getting out of the hospital and we barely made it there before she passed away. Plus all my medical issues and the ongoing colds I keep seeming to catch as soon as I get over the previous one and it all bothering my lungs, and feeling useless all the time....it just all got to me Tuesday night big time.
My point is that I'm just like every other person out there and I do have my meltdowns like anyone else and lately there seems to be a lot of them happening. Don't try to act like there's nothing wrong like I usually do, if you have to cry and have a meltdown then do so. Trust me, it does help to get all the crying out until the next time that is but let it out, don't hold it in. Been there, done the holding it in thing and it just makes the horrible feelings even worse.
Have a great day and remember it really IS ok to let it out sometimes, after all we're all human!
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