Hard Times

Well, I'm still around here although I haven't written in awhile. I'm not gonna lie and act like I never feel down and upset because I do and now is one of those times where I'm having a very hard time pushing forward to get myself through things that are going on in my life. It's like this huge force and black cloud is hanging over me and I just can't seem to get out from under it for anything. It's crushing me and all hope that I once had and I'm struggling right now bad.

I ended up back in the hospital again on January 2nd (sunday) and got out on Tuesday. My stomach issues kicked into high gear again and I do mean high gear. I started vomiting Friday and by that Saturday night I was vomiting up blood, only a little at first and then quite a bit by Sunday afternoon. I was throwing up every 30 minutes or less...it was so beyond gross. The ER doctor gave me Morphine and phenegran and even that hardly worked. I also had a CT Scan done and that was clear besides the clot that is still there but finally shrinking.

They admitted me to the hospital and I was literally freaking out. I slept maybe 2 hours the first night and ended up ripping out my IV during the short sleep I had. I don't know how I managed that but I woke up to pain in my arm and the IV barely hanging by a thread, talk about ouch. I was thanking God for two of my friends because one of them was kind enough to allow me to call her Monday afternoon for a short chat and allowed me to text her whenever I needed to. She was there for me every step of the way and she kept me sane during my hospital stay and I feel like I owe her a lot. And my other friend was texting me and trying to make me laugh and although what I was going through was in no way a laughing matter...it did help some to keep me from crying.

At one point the pulse ox went down to like 92 and I freaked out a bit, ok a lot and I felt as if I couldn't breathe when I layed flat on my back. I had to sleep almost sitting straight up and needless to say I didn't sleep much...maybe an hour the second night. And none of this was helped by the cold I have....ugh. All the blood tests and ultrasound came back normal but when I was released my hospital doctor said she thinks I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and for me to see a gynocologist which I was already planning to do as advised by my regular doctor. So now I have an appoinment on the 14th of this month, was originally the 21st but my doctor called me back this morning and said she wants me in as soon as possible which is fine by me.

Tonight I just feel really down and I mean really down. It's like that Rascal Flatts song called Stand "you feel like a candle in a hurricane, just like a picture with a broken frame, alone and helpless like you've lost your fight but you'll be alright." I always question if I'll be alright and tonight I'm really questioning that even more then I ever have. I really thought that this last trip to the hospital was my last, I was so scared I was dying and that would be it for me, I thought I was a gonner this time I was in that much pain and that weak. I was in the hospital from Sunday around 5pm to Tuesday around 4pm and it took 4 IV bags from Sunday night to Monday night to get me hydrated again before they would take me off the IV. Morphine hardly did anything this time around and I'm so scared that next time the stomach pains hit I won't be so lucky to survive it again. I mean 18 years of dealing with this is enough and it's only getting worse. Whatever I have wrong with me may end up killing me before it's figured out and I'm not sure what to do anymore. If this isn't PCOS then where do I go from there? What do I do? Will it kill me? Will it ever get better?

I sometimes get so mad and frustrated and upset like tonight I can't stop crying and thinking "why me" and "will this ever end." I'm just having a HUGE breakdown here tonight and wondering if it's really PCOS and if not what is it and when will it be figured out. My body is exhausted and getting really tired of fighting whatever these stomach issues are. I'm exhausted and I don't have much left in me at this point. Just not sure what else to do but also don't wanna come on here acting as if everything is OK when it's far from ok for me right now. I'm gonna say lots of prayers and pray my body doesn't fail me once again.....