The Holidays just aren't my thing the last few years, it's not that I'm a grinch so to speak but I just have no one and don't enjoy the holidays. I've never had many friends or a boyfriend to call mine during this time of the year so the holidays have never really been a time that I like because being alone, well it just sucks. I sometimes just want that special someone to cuddle with when I feel down and to tell me it will all be ok and make me believe that is true. I want to feel protected as I go through all my medical issues, to feel loved and wanted and lately I don't feel any of that.
My own brother doesn't speak to us since he moved out with his new girlfriend and it was all over a dang cell phone bill. He won't let my mom and I see my nephew either which is upsetting. And now my own dad has disowned me as of a month ago and I haven't heard a word from him whether by text, phone or stopping by. That hurts because he is my father and it's Christmas but I guess I'm just not a good daughter. He did me so wrong but people keep telling me to apologize, for what, I did nothing wrong he did. In one way I miss him so bad but in another way I want to call him up and curse him out for what he did to me and tell him how bad of a father he has been through all of my medical issues. I mean, yes he has been there for me with other things but never with my medical issues, it's like he is scared of them or something, I don't understand it but hate him for not being there.
The point of this is that the holidays for me are very lonely, very sad and I just can't wait until it's over. Being lonely and sick is enough but add in the holiday season and well, I just want it done with. Sometimes I feel invisible and like I am not wanted, like if I died no one would care even though I know my best friend and my mom would care. It's hard being lonely with no one to talk to about anything, to never have anyone to go hang out with or call.
I did go out with two girls from work tonight which I am SO thankful for. it felt good and like I was wanted somewhere for once. They have no idea how thankful I am that they invited me to tag along. Anyways, that's that for tonight just had to get my "grinchness" out some. I hope everyone has a great Holiday season even if I don't.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Entering The Waters Of Baptism
Well, some of you may not know me very well or much at all but I have been afraid of water my whole life despite having a house on Rough River in Leitchfield, Ky for half of my life. I don't mean just a little afraid, I am terrified of going under water, I hate to have my head under the water in any way whether being dunked or doing it myself. A couple of months ago I took the plunge and allowed Mormon Missionaries into our house to teach me about their church and about God as I have never really went to church or been a certain religion. I ended up really liking the missionairy girls and they began coming over to our house more and teaching me things about the church and about God and Jesus. I've really learned a lot from them.
Anyways, I was baptised today for the first time and I was a bit nervous because of the whole water thing but once I did it I relaxed and it wasn't really so bad. It wasn't like being held under the water like your sibling would do to you or anything, it was more a quick up and then down thing. I had to wear a super ugly jump suit thing that was white so I had to wear a white bra and white underwear, it was really uncomfortable but I didn't have to wear it long at all which I was thankful for. After I was baptized I got redressed and then went to the chapel for some hyms and talks by the church members. It wasn't so bad. Then we had small snacks and that was that. It felt good to be baptised, like I am a part of something now. I've enclosed some pictures for everyone.
I do feel a little upset though because Sister Mikami is leaving now and I finally had what I call a friend, I never have friends for long. She said she'd write so I'm hoping she does because I always seem to lose friends somehow. Being sick and alone is a lonely life that's for sure and I get upset sometimes. She's going to Corbin, Ky for awhile.
Well, that has been my life changing day!
Anyways, I was baptised today for the first time and I was a bit nervous because of the whole water thing but once I did it I relaxed and it wasn't really so bad. It wasn't like being held under the water like your sibling would do to you or anything, it was more a quick up and then down thing. I had to wear a super ugly jump suit thing that was white so I had to wear a white bra and white underwear, it was really uncomfortable but I didn't have to wear it long at all which I was thankful for. After I was baptized I got redressed and then went to the chapel for some hyms and talks by the church members. It wasn't so bad. Then we had small snacks and that was that. It felt good to be baptised, like I am a part of something now. I've enclosed some pictures for everyone.
I do feel a little upset though because Sister Mikami is leaving now and I finally had what I call a friend, I never have friends for long. She said she'd write so I'm hoping she does because I always seem to lose friends somehow. Being sick and alone is a lonely life that's for sure and I get upset sometimes. She's going to Corbin, Ky for awhile.
Well, that has been my life changing day!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Lots To Update
Well, it has been a rather long time since I have posted anything and I feel bad about it. I haven't had internet at home for some time because our last computer got a virus and we couldn't use it. I have now just bought my own laptop and have internet hooked up at home so I will try to blog every week from now on. I do have a lot to update.
First off, shortly after my last entry I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was put on meds (birth control called Sprintec) to control the symptoms which is helping with some of the symptoms besides the hair loss. I now have regular periods, have lost weight and my stomach feels better. I was also diagnosed with CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) shortly after that. I actually heard about CVS from the tv show called The Doctors and I was like "omg, that's what I have." It was scary but also felt good because I had an answer and it wasn't in my head like so many doctors had told my parents over the years.
I am regulary seeing a Gastrointerologist (stomach doc), Gynocologist, lung doc, heart doc and hematologist. I am also in the process of filing for disability which has taken almost a year so far but in the mean time I have a job as a cashier working at Wal-mart and have been there almost 4 months now which is good for me. I was also diagnosed with more clots a couple months ago and I'm on meds for that and taking things one day at a time right now. Work is sometimes hard for me to handle depending on how I feel but I am so very proud of myself for giving it a try and overcoming my shyness and pushing myself even through the days I hurt so bad I wanna cry. And thanks to my best friend, Jill, I have pushed myself harder than I normally would.
As to other things that have been happening. My dad let me barrow his station wagon car to drive to work and back and he said I could buy it from him for $700, then a week later he changed his mind and came and got the car and left me hanging as far as a ride to work. I have been driving moms car to work for almost a month and as of November 11th I haven't heard from my dad at all, no texts or phone calls or anything. it hurts so bad because he is my dad and is supposed to be there for me but he wasn't there for me in the hospitals each time either. It's like I am a bad daughter because I'm sick and not worthy. Mom and I haven't heard from my brother either since he moved out. He got mad over paying his part of the cell phone bill and mom turned his phone off. So needless to say we haven't talked to either of them. It hurts but then again life is easier for me to handle without being blammed for being sick and without the constant drama.
I have also started going to church. Two church missonaries showed up one day when I was outside playing with my horse and I was feeling really down and I'm thinking it was a sign from God that he was wanting to help me with my medical issues and just life. I have gone to church 3 times so far and really love it and I am preparing to be baptized soon. It's a big change in my life but a welcomed change.
That's about all that's happening right now anyways. I see the heart doc again soon and hoping for good news there. And just praying things stay ok health wise for me.
First off, shortly after my last entry I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was put on meds (birth control called Sprintec) to control the symptoms which is helping with some of the symptoms besides the hair loss. I now have regular periods, have lost weight and my stomach feels better. I was also diagnosed with CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) shortly after that. I actually heard about CVS from the tv show called The Doctors and I was like "omg, that's what I have." It was scary but also felt good because I had an answer and it wasn't in my head like so many doctors had told my parents over the years.
I am regulary seeing a Gastrointerologist (stomach doc), Gynocologist, lung doc, heart doc and hematologist. I am also in the process of filing for disability which has taken almost a year so far but in the mean time I have a job as a cashier working at Wal-mart and have been there almost 4 months now which is good for me. I was also diagnosed with more clots a couple months ago and I'm on meds for that and taking things one day at a time right now. Work is sometimes hard for me to handle depending on how I feel but I am so very proud of myself for giving it a try and overcoming my shyness and pushing myself even through the days I hurt so bad I wanna cry. And thanks to my best friend, Jill, I have pushed myself harder than I normally would.
As to other things that have been happening. My dad let me barrow his station wagon car to drive to work and back and he said I could buy it from him for $700, then a week later he changed his mind and came and got the car and left me hanging as far as a ride to work. I have been driving moms car to work for almost a month and as of November 11th I haven't heard from my dad at all, no texts or phone calls or anything. it hurts so bad because he is my dad and is supposed to be there for me but he wasn't there for me in the hospitals each time either. It's like I am a bad daughter because I'm sick and not worthy. Mom and I haven't heard from my brother either since he moved out. He got mad over paying his part of the cell phone bill and mom turned his phone off. So needless to say we haven't talked to either of them. It hurts but then again life is easier for me to handle without being blammed for being sick and without the constant drama.
I have also started going to church. Two church missonaries showed up one day when I was outside playing with my horse and I was feeling really down and I'm thinking it was a sign from God that he was wanting to help me with my medical issues and just life. I have gone to church 3 times so far and really love it and I am preparing to be baptized soon. It's a big change in my life but a welcomed change.
That's about all that's happening right now anyways. I see the heart doc again soon and hoping for good news there. And just praying things stay ok health wise for me.
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