I'm sure a lot of you have gone through something medically or metally and needed a friend to lean on or had someone help you through whatever it was be it friends, family, doctors, nurses or just a random stranger off the street. Over the years so many people have helped me including nurses, doctors, family, friends and my pets and I always felt like and still do feel like a burden to everyone at times. Over the past year I've been angry, depressed, so upset to the point I'd cry for hours on end and I felt like I was under an enormous black cloud that I couldn't get out from under. A few friends have stuck by me through it never judging me for the ways I feel and I thank them so much for that, they have given me hope and strength when I've needed it the most.
Lately I've decided to find ways to give back to others and turn something bad into a positive experience since so many people have helped me throughout my life. It's that whole paying it forward thing ya know. I started buying stuffed animals over the summer with my spare changes after breaking a dollar and by last week I had 108 stuffed animals total bagged up in my closet. I decided to donate them to Kosairs Childrens Hospital in Louisville, KY because I was in and out of Kosairs when I was younger with my stomach problems. I remember getting a black teddy bear when I was admitted there once and it made my stay so much easier having a teddy bear to hug when my mom and dad were working and I was at the hospital alone. Being a kid alone in a giant hospital was scary but having a teddy with me helped and I wanted to help a boy or girl or more then a few feel safe with a stuffed animal like someone had once done for me. Yesterday my friend and I made the drive to drop them off and it felt great being able to help others and give back and help others like so many have helped me.
I also picked up my medicine yesterday and I have to go to a local free/cheap health clinic because I have no insurance. My mom had to give me $15 for my medicine because I'm pretty much flat broke. Well I went in and paid for my medicine and got the piece of paper to take to the pharmacy so I could pick up my medicine. I had $1 left and when I walked out the door a black lady in her 40's or so said "excuse me mam but would you happen to have any change I can barrow I'm thirsty and have no money." I had never been called mam before and it felt weird. I felt sorry for her and gave her my left over $1 to buy a coke. I have hardly any money myself but gave it to her anyway because I just couldn't say no and that's me. Later in the day when my friend and I went to White Castles for lunch we each got two free cheeseburgers because they had made the wrong order for someone. I take that as a sign from God that I did good by giving that lady my extra dollar which I could'nt afford to give away and God was paying me back for doing good.
You can give back too and turn whatever you're going through into something positive it just takes a bit of thought and heart. Start by doing something small like donating stuffed animals to a charity, giving a homeless person your spare change or putting money into the bell ringers bucket at walmart. Start small and work your way up to helping in bigger ways. If you make jewelry, paint, knit or crochet make items to sell and donate a porton of the proceeds from your sells to a charity that is close to your heart. Try volunteering at a local nursing home or bringing your pet into schools or nursing homes for therapy. Or try volunteering at a local animal rescue or animal hospital. There are many ways to give back and it makes you feel extremely good, like you're not useless no matter what health problems you have you can do something good, you can give back and change lives no matter how small your gesture of good will is, it will come back to you in good ways. You can turn whatever you're going through into something good by giving back to others and being there for them like so many have done for you during illness or tragedy.
Give back and feel good about it!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Natural Instincts
We all have natural instincts that kick in when something bad or unexpected happens or when we're worried about something that is yet to come. I had my natural instincts kick into overdrive this past Saturday when I awoke to my mom being loud stating to my brother that our landlords garden shed next door was on fire. I wouldn't have panicked like I did but one of our landlords pig had had babies a few weeks before and he had the momma and piglets locked in the shed to keep them away from the goats and other pigs until they got bigger.
I saw flames and lots of smoke and my only thought was "I have to get the pigs out of there." So my brother and I ran outside with buckets of water, my brother jumped the fence and I passed him the buckets of water and then I proceeded to jump the fence. We poured water on the outside wall of the shed that was on fire and we realized the bottom of the metal door was busted. Then my brother bended the door a bit more and climbed into the shed and poured water along the wall that was on fire. He saw a heat lamp on top of the straw and turned it off. Appearantly that is what caused the fire. The momma pig and two of the four babies were already out but two were still in the shed. My brother grabbed them and passed them to me and I checked them over, they were fine. We watched the smoke for awhile to make sure the fire didn't restart and everything turned out ok.
The point is we all have natural instincts that kick in when something happens or when we know something is about to happen and sometimes we have to put others first. My instincts kicked into overdrive that day and I didn't think about myself or breathing in the smoke, I thougth about the piglets and saving them. I knew the smoke would bother my lungs but I put my health and feelings aside and did what I knew was right....to save the pigs no matter what. The mother pigs instincts went into overdrive as well and she knew something was wrong and knew she had to get her babies out of danger, she sensed it and headed butted the metal door bending it enough to allow her and her piglets to escape. She knew something was wrong and her mother instinct kicked into high gear. Animals are smarter then some people realize.
Natural instincts make us do weird things like forget our own problems for a bit to help others be it animal or human. When my stomach pains or chest pains hit I have this natural instinct that makes me want to panic and makes my entire body tense up. I've learned that it's totally natural and normal to feel scared and anxious, it's human nature, our body's defense mechanism kicking into high gear. Our instincts keep us safe and that's a good thing. Sometimes our instincts do go overboard though and cause us to worry about stuff we can't change anyway or worry too much about something so minor and that's when you have to slow your mind down and pick the pieces apart and think rationally.
I'm sure some of you have had a time when your natural instincts kicked in and you knew what the right thing to do was, when human nature tells you to do something and you know you have to. My point of this entry is that natural human instinct can be a good thing, listen to it, cherish it because most of the time your natural instinct is right.
I saw flames and lots of smoke and my only thought was "I have to get the pigs out of there." So my brother and I ran outside with buckets of water, my brother jumped the fence and I passed him the buckets of water and then I proceeded to jump the fence. We poured water on the outside wall of the shed that was on fire and we realized the bottom of the metal door was busted. Then my brother bended the door a bit more and climbed into the shed and poured water along the wall that was on fire. He saw a heat lamp on top of the straw and turned it off. Appearantly that is what caused the fire. The momma pig and two of the four babies were already out but two were still in the shed. My brother grabbed them and passed them to me and I checked them over, they were fine. We watched the smoke for awhile to make sure the fire didn't restart and everything turned out ok.
The point is we all have natural instincts that kick in when something happens or when we know something is about to happen and sometimes we have to put others first. My instincts kicked into overdrive that day and I didn't think about myself or breathing in the smoke, I thougth about the piglets and saving them. I knew the smoke would bother my lungs but I put my health and feelings aside and did what I knew was right....to save the pigs no matter what. The mother pigs instincts went into overdrive as well and she knew something was wrong and knew she had to get her babies out of danger, she sensed it and headed butted the metal door bending it enough to allow her and her piglets to escape. She knew something was wrong and her mother instinct kicked into high gear. Animals are smarter then some people realize.
Natural instincts make us do weird things like forget our own problems for a bit to help others be it animal or human. When my stomach pains or chest pains hit I have this natural instinct that makes me want to panic and makes my entire body tense up. I've learned that it's totally natural and normal to feel scared and anxious, it's human nature, our body's defense mechanism kicking into high gear. Our instincts keep us safe and that's a good thing. Sometimes our instincts do go overboard though and cause us to worry about stuff we can't change anyway or worry too much about something so minor and that's when you have to slow your mind down and pick the pieces apart and think rationally.
I'm sure some of you have had a time when your natural instincts kicked in and you knew what the right thing to do was, when human nature tells you to do something and you know you have to. My point of this entry is that natural human instinct can be a good thing, listen to it, cherish it because most of the time your natural instinct is right.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Spoon Theory- Explaining How You Feel To Others
The Spoon Theory
A friend of mine on a support group website I visit posted this a few days ago and I've been thinking about how it fits into my everyday life since the minute it was posted and thought it was a very good fit for discussion today.
Christine explains it extremely well in her writing of the Spoon Theory and in a way that is easy for most healthy people to understand. When you're sick you really do have to make choices throughout every day and every waking hour but when you're healthy you can just go through the day and not think anything of it. The illnesses that those of us suffer from are not just those that we suffer from but our friends and families do as well. As in my case, my grandmother and my dad call me several times a day just to check up on me and at times it is extremely annoying but at the same time I know they just care and are trying their best to understand, maybe they're even a bit worried. When a family member or friend is sick it effects everyone around them in ways that are hard to see sometimes.
Now, you may be thinking, why do I need people to understand what I'm going through when they couldn't possibly ever know unless they've been through it. Truth is, I'm not sure any of us that are sick would want to wish what we go through daily on even our worst enemy but from another point of view we do wish people understood that when something isn't done around the house, that when we can't go out at night, that when we don't make dinner...it's not us being lazy, it's that our body's can't or won't cooperate with us.
I'm going to use the spoon theory to show my readers just how my day to day life is affected with being sick. I'm hoping that if you're one that is sick with some form of illness that you will share the Spoon Theory with friends and family.
"Spoons" are energy and a healthy person expects to have a never ending supply of "spoons" throughout the day but for a sick person each task they do uses up a precious "spoon." Lets say a healthy person starts the day getting out of bed with 20 spoons. For me I start the day right off the bat with 15 spoons and for each thing I do that requires energy I lose a spoon or two. Some days when I wake up I have a lot of stomach pain....if so that's a spoon. Then comes getting dressed which a lot of the time causes me to get short of breath.....that's a spoon. After getting dressed comes soaking my horses Alfalfa cubes, throwing him hay, filling up water and cleaning the manure out of the pasture....all that is at least 2 spoons. Then I have to feed and water the cats and the dog....that's another 2 spoons. By now we're up to six spoons and the day has just begun, do you see where I'm going with this? Then comes taking out the trash...one spoon. Doing the dishes...another spoon. Doing the laundry....another spoon. Picking up around the house costs another spoon and we're up to 10 already and I only have a supply of 15 spoons. Some days taking a shower wears me out and that costs another spoon. Then if I decide to make dinner for the family that's a spoon, and doing dishes will cost another spoon bringing the total to 13 spoons but I still have to change clothes again and get into bed and by the end of the day I'm out of "spoons" (energy).
Those are just the simple day to day tasks. If I have to run errands, if I want to ride my horse or if my friends want me to go out with them then I have to sacrafice all of the housework to do those things because I don't have enough "spoons" to do all of it in one day. If my stomach problems act up so bad causing me to start vomiting every 30 minutes...that takes all of my spoons for the day because it zaps every ounce of energy I have. That's just the facts. It's not that I'm lazy or don't want to do things, it's that my body doesn't cooperate the way a healthy persons does to allow them to do just the simple day to day tasks.
Now, I'm not going to tell ya'll that I've accepted my life because that would be a lie. Truth is, I don't accept my life and I get frustrated that I have to plan my days around how I feel, I get frustrated that I can't hold a job, I get frustrated when I see friends and family out there making something of themselves and I can't because I have this whacked out body that seems to have something against me 24/7. Maybe one day I will start to accept myself and the way I have to live, but right now....I just don't know how to accept it.
So, the moral of this is...If you have an illness that keeps you from doing the things you want to do you may have to plan around it but you can still do things, maybe not in the same ways you used to but it can be done. I'm still horseback riding aren't I? Yes, I have to plan my day and not do other things so I can ride but I'm sacraficing other things to do the one thing I love...horseback riding. Please share this with others and maybe just maybe they will understand a bit better that it's not your fault when you can't do something and it's not you being lazy, it's just that you can't.
Have a good day and hang in there with whatever you're facing!
A friend of mine on a support group website I visit posted this a few days ago and I've been thinking about how it fits into my everyday life since the minute it was posted and thought it was a very good fit for discussion today.
Christine explains it extremely well in her writing of the Spoon Theory and in a way that is easy for most healthy people to understand. When you're sick you really do have to make choices throughout every day and every waking hour but when you're healthy you can just go through the day and not think anything of it. The illnesses that those of us suffer from are not just those that we suffer from but our friends and families do as well. As in my case, my grandmother and my dad call me several times a day just to check up on me and at times it is extremely annoying but at the same time I know they just care and are trying their best to understand, maybe they're even a bit worried. When a family member or friend is sick it effects everyone around them in ways that are hard to see sometimes.
Now, you may be thinking, why do I need people to understand what I'm going through when they couldn't possibly ever know unless they've been through it. Truth is, I'm not sure any of us that are sick would want to wish what we go through daily on even our worst enemy but from another point of view we do wish people understood that when something isn't done around the house, that when we can't go out at night, that when we don't make dinner...it's not us being lazy, it's that our body's can't or won't cooperate with us.
I'm going to use the spoon theory to show my readers just how my day to day life is affected with being sick. I'm hoping that if you're one that is sick with some form of illness that you will share the Spoon Theory with friends and family.
"Spoons" are energy and a healthy person expects to have a never ending supply of "spoons" throughout the day but for a sick person each task they do uses up a precious "spoon." Lets say a healthy person starts the day getting out of bed with 20 spoons. For me I start the day right off the bat with 15 spoons and for each thing I do that requires energy I lose a spoon or two. Some days when I wake up I have a lot of stomach pain....if so that's a spoon. Then comes getting dressed which a lot of the time causes me to get short of breath.....that's a spoon. After getting dressed comes soaking my horses Alfalfa cubes, throwing him hay, filling up water and cleaning the manure out of the pasture....all that is at least 2 spoons. Then I have to feed and water the cats and the dog....that's another 2 spoons. By now we're up to six spoons and the day has just begun, do you see where I'm going with this? Then comes taking out the trash...one spoon. Doing the dishes...another spoon. Doing the laundry....another spoon. Picking up around the house costs another spoon and we're up to 10 already and I only have a supply of 15 spoons. Some days taking a shower wears me out and that costs another spoon. Then if I decide to make dinner for the family that's a spoon, and doing dishes will cost another spoon bringing the total to 13 spoons but I still have to change clothes again and get into bed and by the end of the day I'm out of "spoons" (energy).
Those are just the simple day to day tasks. If I have to run errands, if I want to ride my horse or if my friends want me to go out with them then I have to sacrafice all of the housework to do those things because I don't have enough "spoons" to do all of it in one day. If my stomach problems act up so bad causing me to start vomiting every 30 minutes...that takes all of my spoons for the day because it zaps every ounce of energy I have. That's just the facts. It's not that I'm lazy or don't want to do things, it's that my body doesn't cooperate the way a healthy persons does to allow them to do just the simple day to day tasks.
Now, I'm not going to tell ya'll that I've accepted my life because that would be a lie. Truth is, I don't accept my life and I get frustrated that I have to plan my days around how I feel, I get frustrated that I can't hold a job, I get frustrated when I see friends and family out there making something of themselves and I can't because I have this whacked out body that seems to have something against me 24/7. Maybe one day I will start to accept myself and the way I have to live, but right now....I just don't know how to accept it.
So, the moral of this is...If you have an illness that keeps you from doing the things you want to do you may have to plan around it but you can still do things, maybe not in the same ways you used to but it can be done. I'm still horseback riding aren't I? Yes, I have to plan my day and not do other things so I can ride but I'm sacraficing other things to do the one thing I love...horseback riding. Please share this with others and maybe just maybe they will understand a bit better that it's not your fault when you can't do something and it's not you being lazy, it's just that you can't.
Have a good day and hang in there with whatever you're facing!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My Art
Now, I don't want to give ya'll the wrong impression or anything but I'm no real artist persay, I don't have that awe-inspiring talent that causes people to gasp in amazement therefore wanting to buy everything they create. What I do have is this desire inside my soul that wants to create things when I feel down or upset about anything really and you can do it as well. For me it's a way of releasing pent up frustration and anger therefore allowing me to focus on something else for a time. If you have things that bother you, try spending your energy on something creative, trust me, it doesn't have to be perfect but it will take your mind off things and that's a good thing, the emotional benefits can be astounding. With all my health issues it has been invaluable getting me through each day. Drawing, painting, coloring, writing stories and poems are all ways I release what's built up inside me.
Now I don't normally share my creations with anyone because frankly I don't think they're all that good but just for ya'll and the soul purpose of this blog I will share a few of my creations.....
Now I don't normally share my creations with anyone because frankly I don't think they're all that good but just for ya'll and the soul purpose of this blog I will share a few of my creations.....
This is a welcome sign I created. I cut the wood myself, sanded and painted. This is by far the most complicated thing I've chosen to make and completed and I have to say I surprised myself.
I carved this wooden cross out of maple wood, sanded and painted it for my grandma for Christmas this year. It was fairly easy to carve.
I took a piece of wood and sanded it down and drew...or at least tried to...draw a picture of my horse.
This is a "horseshoe" I made from the back of one of our old kitchen chairs....recycling at it's best, haha.
I made this saddle rack/stand in our garden shed
This used to be an old military trunk that belonged to my grandfather. It was puke colored green and the lid was ripped off when I started. I sanded it down, shaped some metal to form new brackets to re-attach the lid, painted some horseshoes silver to use as the handles and created my own logo designs that were then painted onto it. I also added a clear stain to keep the wood in brilliant shape. I'm in love with it and now use it as my tack trunk for my horses things.
So the point of this entry is, no matter what anyone thinks of your art do it and enjoy it if it makes you happy and takes away the stresses of your day to day life! It has been invaluable to me during my daily struggles with my health. My horse is also a means of coping with life but that part will come in a later post.
Have a great day and use your art to express yourself, you just might be surprised what it brings out in you!
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Accident That Changed Me
Two years ago my life changed mostly for the bad but some good has come from it and I've learned many life lessons. I lost my first horse suddenly on the morning of January 1, 2008 without no explanation as to what had happened and I was beyond devastated. I pretty much withdrew from everyone and everything and fell apart. That was until one day when things changed and I asked for a sign from Buck and a hay net in the barn had started moving as if a horse was eating from it, only no horse was anywhere near the hay net. I then knew he was ok or at least felt like it was a sign of some sort and I began to start the healing process.
I was sitting by the pond on a cold winter day at the horse rescue I had been volunteering at for 8 years and a horse named Jarhead, who had previously wanted nothing to do with humans, suddenly began standing over me when I'd go to the pond to be alone and cry. He did this every time I went to the pond for several months and we started bonding somehow. His previous owner had died from a heart attack and that's how we ended up with Jarhead and a Mustang and we were told he was rideable but had never managed to find the time to ride him. One afternoon I decided that I wanted to try riding him and permission was obtained from the owner of the rescue. Colleen rode Jarhead first and he was a dream for her, although he was extremely hyper and fiesty. He turned as if he had ran barrels before and cantered like a dream. I rode him after Colleen and honestly I was scared to death as I hadn't ridden a horse that powerful in my 8 years of riding. He was hyper, strong, full of firey spirit, yet at the same time amazing, stunning, the dream horse I had always wanted and the one I'd eventually adopt.
Sarge, my handsome Appendix Horse that put my life into a tailspin. He just looks so innocent...haha, far from it!
I renamed him Sarge with permission from the owner of the rescue and I began riding him on the rescues 10 acres regularly. At one point I decided to take him off the property on a ride just him and I and that was one of the worst mistakes of my life. Sarge wasn't used to going on rides away from the other horses and I was still quite nervous and unsure about his strength, speed and stamina but yet I wanted to ride somewhere else, somewhere with more space and different landscapes. So that day I took him off the property for a ride and I didn't bother lunging before mounting and off we went on a ride to the 300 acre farm across the street, The Scott Farm. I remember trying to canter him and it going wonderfully and then all of a sudden the bucking started, I was flying through the air and landed smack dab on my right kneecap and then rolling and laying there feeling pain shoot through my leg and thinking "what the heck just happened." This was in the middle of 2008.
Turns out that landing on my knee like I did caused my kneecap to break in 3 pieces, I call it shatter but technically it wasn't shattered I guess but what the hay, it changed my life no matter what I call it. It took about a month and a half of staying compltely off of it for it to heal and my knee was feeling ok for awhile. But then I started having pains and felt as if my knee was giving out on me at times but my doctor at the time wasn't listening to me so I switched doctors and that's when the torn ACL(Anterior Cruciate Ligament) was found by MRI to be 100% torn and surgery was required. The first surgery was in July 2009, I had an Allograft which is from donor tissue and it went without a hitch and the pain wasn't too bad. I was back on my feet within 3 months and opted to stop physical therapy sooner then what the doctor wanted which was a bad idea.
I appearantly needed to take it easy with my knee a bit longer because on a cold day in November 2009 I went with my brother to get hay from my hay guys 400 acre farm and when we were unloading the hay when we got home I slipped getting out of the back of my brothers truck and felt a pop in my bad knee. I ignored it for several days and then the pain became intense and the swelling was awful so I went to the doctor and what do you know, tore it again. I had knee surgery for a second time on November 12, 2009. Eeverything went great with the surgery besides being in a lot more pain then the first round. I stayed overnight at the hospital because I always vomited after anesthesia and I went home the following morning.
I stayed in bed for several days after surgery doing nothing but playing around on the computer, watching tv, playing my playstation and reading because the pain was so bad. It would be another bad mistake. I hadn't been been feeling good but thought I was just getting a simple cold. But on the night of November 17, 2009 my boyfriend at the time, Brian, and I were laying in my bed watching movies and snuggling when I started feeling worse. I started running a mild fever of around 99, began getting extremely chilled, felt weak and nauseated but thought nothing of it until an hour or so later when my temperature shot up to nearly 103, I was sweating but also freezing and shaking, I felt dizzy and weak and felt like I couldn't breathe, I started coughing and a bit of blood came up. Brian practically carried me to the car at 2am and forced me to go to the ER and thankfully he did.
Two of many IV's
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Honestly I don't remember much after that and Brian told me most of what happened because I just don't remember it. He told me that I was panicking because I could hardly breathe, which I'm rather good at, and that they had to sedate me to get me to calm down. I had a CT scan, MRI, chest xrays, blood tests and more things I don't even remember and I was eventually diagnosed with Pulmonary Embolisms, 2 large and several small in both lungs and a DVT (clot in the leg). I was immediately put in ICU and started on blood thinners. At the time I had no idea what they even were but when the doctor explained it I pretty much freaked out. He told me that if I hadn't come to the ER that night that I'd likely not have made it and to this day that terrifies me and I continue to have nightmares on most nights. I was in ICU for 3 days and a regular room for 5 before being sent home on Coumadin, a type of blood thinner, and being told I'd be on them for 6 months and no less.
Since being home from the hospital let's just say its been hell. It's something I'd never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I've had way more downs then I have ups and it's been one heck of a roller coaster ride, I call it "the roller coaster ride from hell." The first two months I spent on the couch or in bed and it's pretty much a blurr. While in the hospital the pains were bad, at home they've been bad and its been scary. My lungs have felt everything from feeling tight, to feeling sharp and stabbing pains to weak and tired and like I'm struggling to breathe. My leg and been all shades of light purple and back to white again but the swelling hasn't been bad at all considering. I've been so extremely exhausted to the point of not moving off the couch for days at a time and then I'll have a burst of energy that lasts for a few days only to have the pains and fatigue return again...hence why I call it the roller coaster ride from hell.
I've felt everything from scared to death, aggravated, frustrated, tired of fighting with my body, to pissed off at the world and what happened, to wanting to kill myself twice. It has been far from easy and in all honesty killing myself looked better at the time because I also deal with these excruciating stomach pains that have gotten worse since being on the Coumadin which I think affects it. I've been dealing with hair loss, major headaches, extreme fatigue....all side effects from the blood thinners. I've had to remember to take a pill everyday for a year, I've had to give myself shots in the stomach off and on since the beginning, and I've had to get countless blood draws. I've been back in the hospital twice since the beginning, the last one being for Pluerisy and Bronchitis that required a Thoracentesis to drain fluid from my lungs alond with two rounds of antibiotics and a messed up INR.
In 15 days I'll be a year out since clotting and the largest clot is still there in my right lung taunting me. I've been told that it may never dissolve but I'm praying it begs to differ and will dissolve or already is dissolved. My next doctors appointment is November 19th to see if I can come off the blood thinners and to get a female test done to see if that has anything to do with my ongoing stomach issues. I'm scared, frustrated, stressed out and depressed and I'm just wanting this to all be over but it will be with me forever because it has changed my life. I'm not sure if my lungs will ever feel the same again at this point.
The good thats come from it is that I'm closer to my mom then I've ever been before and we now talk, she came out and told me I have a younger sister whom was put up for adoption and I don't remember because I was too young at the time...I wish I could find her, it made me re-evaluate my life and what is really important, I learned who my real friends are, I've learned my strengths and weakness and what I need to work on, and I'm no longer scared of needles haha ;). I've still got a long way to go in healing both mentally and physically but I'm forever changed in both good and bad ways. Its made me a better person I can honestly say that, really made me look at myself and what I had been doing and re-evaluate it all for the better.....
Welcome! A Bit About Me To Begin!
I wasn't sure where to start this and I've never written a blog before so it's very unlike me to do something like this but I'm gonna give it a shot so bare with me! This blog is going to be about my life and the struggles I face on a daily basis and how I cope with it all. I hope to help others along the way, help myself by getting my thoughts out and learn more about life and what it holds. I'm going to start by telling you a bit about me....
I was born on Febraury 11, 1988 in louisville, KY at University Hospital. I weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 inches long. It was snowing that day and my mom has always called me the snow angel baby. I was born healthy and full of life and my parents took me home to our 2 bedroom, 1 bath trailer in a trailer park on Dixie Hwy in Kentucky. I was a daddy's girl by all means as I'm sure a lot of little girls are. My dad and I used to eat chocolate doughnuts together while watching Cops and sharing them with our cat Nikki. We'd bake cakes together but my dad couldn't cook and still can't...shhh, don't tell him I said that heehee. My mom and I were close as well but not as close as my dad and I were and still are.
Around the age of 4 years old my dad started abusing my mom. I witnessed many punches, slaps, throws and many other things not needing to be mentioned here. My mom suffered broken ribs, bruises and many other injuries. So one day my mom got up enough guts and took my brother and I and we moved to Charlestown, IN when I was turning 4 and a half years old and my brother was 2 years old. My mom got custody of us and we visited our dad off and on and he was in and out of our lives for years.
Here's where the medical part of things and the reason I'm starting this blog come in....When I was a baby I'd spit up formula no matter what kind was given to me and no one could figure it out. By the age of 4 I was getting sicker, I'd throw up several times a week and go right back to playing like nothing was wrong and then throw up again not long after. This cycle continued for months until my mom took me to the doctor and had tons of tests run. I was diagnosed with 6 stomach ulcers, peptic acid disease and reflex. I was put on meds and thought things were fine but the problems continued. Through the years I was in Kosair Childrens Hospital 6 times, University about 5, tons of ER visits, Wellstone behavior unit once and Nortons behavior unit once because they thought it was in my head since all the tests kept coming up with nothing. I missed tons of school over the years of my educations and almost got my mom in trouble several times because I missed so much. I didn't get to graduate with friends and I graduated a year late, I've lost several jobs and around 16 years old I started doing better but now the problems continue, this time much worse. More on this later....
At the age of 11 my mom bought our first house in the country! It was a small 3 bedroom farmhouse from the 1950's with a garage and 2.76 acres! I fell in love with horses around this time and I began taking riding lessons down by our grandparents lake home in Leitchfield, KY and I was forever hooked on horses. I helped our neighbors with their horses every chance I got and I learn to ride and drive Belgians. In 2001 I started volunteering at a local horse rescue only a mile down the road from me and I worked with everything from beaten and starved horses to a wild Mustang straight off the range from Nevada and then in 2004 I purchased my first horse for $500. He was a 20 something year old Appaloosa and the best friend I ever had! He taught me a lot about myself and life and taught me that yes, horses can have attitudes. I had many great rides on him through the woods, corn fields and on the roads. Buck took care of me and we were great partners until he died on January 1st, 2008.
But I soon found, well noticed a horse I hadn't noticed before at the rescue named Jarhead and we become close. I named him Sarge and I honestly believe he chose me as he never wanted anything to do with humans before that and he had began standing over me after I lost Buck and I'd be crying at the pond. I adopted him for $400 on November 12, 2008. We've had many ups and downs over the 2 years I've owned him from him being so hyper and me crying because I thought I couldn't handle him at first to him bucking me off and destroying my right knee and then that leading to an entire host of medical problems. To our fights when he wanted to do one thing and I wanted him to do another and everything in between. We've now come to an understanding and he respects me, looks to me for answers and doesn't think he's the big bad tough half Thoroughbred that can overpower me anymore though at times he still tests me. He's become my best friend and lifelong partner and the one I hug when I need a hug and no judgement. We are so close now that he can tell what I'm going to do before I do it and I can tell what he's going to do before he does it. Sarge has this way of making me smile even on my worst days, he knows when to goof off and mess with me with his silly tricks and he knows when I just need him to behave and give me a hug. I can lay in the hay with him and fall asleep and he never moves until I do. We know each other in and out, it still amazes me sometimes.
I was born on Febraury 11, 1988 in louisville, KY at University Hospital. I weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 inches long. It was snowing that day and my mom has always called me the snow angel baby. I was born healthy and full of life and my parents took me home to our 2 bedroom, 1 bath trailer in a trailer park on Dixie Hwy in Kentucky. I was a daddy's girl by all means as I'm sure a lot of little girls are. My dad and I used to eat chocolate doughnuts together while watching Cops and sharing them with our cat Nikki. We'd bake cakes together but my dad couldn't cook and still can't...shhh, don't tell him I said that heehee. My mom and I were close as well but not as close as my dad and I were and still are.
This is me around 2 years old, everyone called me Shirley Temple!
My brother was born when I was 3 and a half years old so we moved into a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house down the road from the trailer we still resided in. The house was white with black shutters, with a garage and a huge backyard. I have many great memories at that house which include, riding my brothers truck into the fireplace and busting my head open, playing on the swing set with my brother and pulling his pants down as he went down the slide, chasing our dog around the backyard and running head first into the fence....yep, I was a holey terrior when I was little. We had two great pets when we were younger, Charlie and Daisy. Charlie was a stray German Shephard dog we found in our neighborhood and we had her up until I was 14 years old, she was the best dog ever and would go to our lake house with us and ride on our pontoon boat or swim with us. I miss her dearly to this day. Daisy was our Calico cat that was the offspring of another cat we had. I had her from the day I was born until I was 15 years old. She'd follow me everywhere and would always sleep with me, I miss her as well.Around the age of 4 years old my dad started abusing my mom. I witnessed many punches, slaps, throws and many other things not needing to be mentioned here. My mom suffered broken ribs, bruises and many other injuries. So one day my mom got up enough guts and took my brother and I and we moved to Charlestown, IN when I was turning 4 and a half years old and my brother was 2 years old. My mom got custody of us and we visited our dad off and on and he was in and out of our lives for years.
Here's where the medical part of things and the reason I'm starting this blog come in....When I was a baby I'd spit up formula no matter what kind was given to me and no one could figure it out. By the age of 4 I was getting sicker, I'd throw up several times a week and go right back to playing like nothing was wrong and then throw up again not long after. This cycle continued for months until my mom took me to the doctor and had tons of tests run. I was diagnosed with 6 stomach ulcers, peptic acid disease and reflex. I was put on meds and thought things were fine but the problems continued. Through the years I was in Kosair Childrens Hospital 6 times, University about 5, tons of ER visits, Wellstone behavior unit once and Nortons behavior unit once because they thought it was in my head since all the tests kept coming up with nothing. I missed tons of school over the years of my educations and almost got my mom in trouble several times because I missed so much. I didn't get to graduate with friends and I graduated a year late, I've lost several jobs and around 16 years old I started doing better but now the problems continue, this time much worse. More on this later....
This is me summer 2010
At the age of 11 my mom bought our first house in the country! It was a small 3 bedroom farmhouse from the 1950's with a garage and 2.76 acres! I fell in love with horses around this time and I began taking riding lessons down by our grandparents lake home in Leitchfield, KY and I was forever hooked on horses. I helped our neighbors with their horses every chance I got and I learn to ride and drive Belgians. In 2001 I started volunteering at a local horse rescue only a mile down the road from me and I worked with everything from beaten and starved horses to a wild Mustang straight off the range from Nevada and then in 2004 I purchased my first horse for $500. He was a 20 something year old Appaloosa and the best friend I ever had! He taught me a lot about myself and life and taught me that yes, horses can have attitudes. I had many great rides on him through the woods, corn fields and on the roads. Buck took care of me and we were great partners until he died on January 1st, 2008.
But I soon found, well noticed a horse I hadn't noticed before at the rescue named Jarhead and we become close. I named him Sarge and I honestly believe he chose me as he never wanted anything to do with humans before that and he had began standing over me after I lost Buck and I'd be crying at the pond. I adopted him for $400 on November 12, 2008. We've had many ups and downs over the 2 years I've owned him from him being so hyper and me crying because I thought I couldn't handle him at first to him bucking me off and destroying my right knee and then that leading to an entire host of medical problems. To our fights when he wanted to do one thing and I wanted him to do another and everything in between. We've now come to an understanding and he respects me, looks to me for answers and doesn't think he's the big bad tough half Thoroughbred that can overpower me anymore though at times he still tests me. He's become my best friend and lifelong partner and the one I hug when I need a hug and no judgement. We are so close now that he can tell what I'm going to do before I do it and I can tell what he's going to do before he does it. Sarge has this way of making me smile even on my worst days, he knows when to goof off and mess with me with his silly tricks and he knows when I just need him to behave and give me a hug. I can lay in the hay with him and fall asleep and he never moves until I do. We know each other in and out, it still amazes me sometimes.
Sarge, my Appendix Quarter Horse showing off can't ya tell?
In July 2009 I moved Sarge to our new house in a new neighborhood on only a half acre, he's now in a dry lot and fed hay 365 days a year but he doesn't mind and I don't mind because he's right outside my window only 20 feet any time I need that hug from a special friend. I continue to struggle with my stomach issues and even more issues since my knee injury and I will write about all that next time but this is long enough for now. Horses have made it all easier to handle....
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